Talking to Reluctant Parents About End-of-Life Planning: Tips for Adult Children

Many people feel that part of their responsibility as an adult child is to help their parents prepare end-of-life documents, but the conversation can be difficult because elderly parents are often reluctant to discuss such things.  In this blog we share strategies that can help make this tough task a little easier.  It should be noted that these strategies may help encourage not just elderly parents, but also spouses, siblings, adult children, and anyone else who may not feel the urgency in getting prepared. 

Ask and Ye May Receive: Start with a Simple Question

When we started Prepare Your Affairs, it occurred to me that I didn’t know if my parents had done anything to prepare their end-of-life affairs.  Both had cancer treatments in recent years so I wasn’t sure how they viewed their mortality at that time.  The only way to find out was to ask. 

As I recall, it went something like this, “Hey Dad, with everything that’s happened health-wise, have you and Mom thought about end-of-life plans or done any estate planning? It would really help us to know what’s been done and what still needs to be done.”  They agreed and we were surprised to learn that they actually had done a lot already.

Explain the Importance: What’s the Why?

If your parents hesitate for whatever reason to get it done, remind them that making plans is more for the well-being of you and your siblings than it is for them.  Making arrangements allows the rest of the family to focus on their memory and legacy than on having to deal with the business of settling their estate.  It also prevents family squabbles and assures that their wishes get carried out.  In many ways, it’s the ultimate final act of love for their children.

Lead by Example: Show Them What You’re Doing

Remember that nobody is perfect and that many people start the process not really knowing what to do.  To help, get to work on your own family’s estate plan (or review it if you’ve already done it) and tell your parents what you’re doing and why.  Ask them for their opinions. 

The husband of one of our clients had to depend on her because of a disability.  Fearing that talking about her death would somehow make it happen sooner, he wasn’t interested in getting involved in her end-of-life planning.  As she started doing the work, however, he started asking her questions about the plans she was making and slowly he decided to take control of his own plans.    

Turn Others’ Negative into Your Positive

Because so many families are caught unprepared when a family member dies, there is unfortunately no shortage of unnecessary suffering to learn from.  Use these experiences of others as an excuse to talk to your parents and to encourage them to get their plans in order. 

It might go something like this, “Hey mom, it’s been really hard seeing Aunt Susie go through legal battles and family disputes after Uncle Johnny passed. I’d hate for our family to experience that kind of tension. How can we avoid that?” 

Start the Process for Them

If you’ve tried the above tactics and still can’t get your parents to act, start planning for them.  You might say, “Hey mom and dad, us kids have been talking.  When you die, we really want to focus on remembering and loving you, and not on dealing with all the complexities of settling your estate.  We’ve started thinking about things like the funeral, the house, and your financial plans. We’d love your input as we plan ahead, even if you’re not quite ready to take action yourself.”    

You don’t have to invest any money or sign any contracts, but hopefully even just a plan on paper will trigger their input.  At the very least, if something does happen to them, you and your siblings won’t be starting from scratch.

We hope this is helpful.  If you have other ideas or experiences, we’d love to hear them.  Send us a note here:  https://www.affairsinorder.com/stay-informed

Cheers!

Corey

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