Holiday and Birthday Traditions
Happy Halloween and Día de Los Muertos!
Holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, and other special traditions are the worst for anyone who is grieving. These are painful reminders that a loved one isn’t around to help make the occasion special. In this week’s tips we’ll discuss what we’ve learned about preparing for and honoring these events after our spouses passed.
The key takeaway from our own experience thus far is that there is no right or wrong way to address them after the loved one has passed. You can enjoy them in the same way as you’ve done before, you may create new traditions, or you may decide not to celebrate at all. And whatever approach you take may change for the different occasions and from year to year. It will take some trial and error until you feel like you get it right for new circumstances.
If you are currently in a relationship where one partner tends to do most of the planning, gift-buying, and organizing, we highly recommend that you find a way to split the duties moving forward. Kris enjoyed celebrating special occasions, especially if they had a chance to create memories for our children. She put a lot of thought, time, and energy into buying gifts, decorating, and cooking wonderful meals. She would often ask me to help, especially with buying gifts. I always agreed but often I would procrastinate, panic, then she’d step in at the last minute to save the day.
After she died and our first holiday season without her was approaching, I felt the pressure. I wanted so much to recreate her magical touch, but I didn’t know where to start. I eventually pulled something together, but I quickly learned why she asked for my help. It was exhausting. Then I began to think about all the birthdays and other holidays throughout the year and I began to feel overwhelmed. I really wish that I had paid more attention to how she went about managing these important days.
As time has passed and the kids get older and start their own families, how we celebrate is changing. I’ve begun to accept that I have a different set of skills and ways of doing things than Kris did. I’m going to do things in my own way and that’s okay. And I think in many ways my kids would rather do it differently because trying to be like Kris is more of a painful reminder to them that she’s not here. And now that I’ve remarried, that adds another element of change and adjustment into the mix.
Change is inevitable, but it’s especially hard when it’s forced upon you by death. Talk to your family about traditions and how they will change in time for a variety of reasons. Planting that seed with them now may help ease the pain of doing things differently after loved ones have passed on. For example, at the end of a wonderful holiday, you may say, “This has been a great day. I love the traditions that we enjoy. As you get older and have your own families, you’ll find that you’ll start your own traditions or that your spouse’s traditions will be very different. How do you think you’ll adjust? And are you open to accepting that the magic of the holidays can be felt even with different traditions?”
