9 Signs Death May Be Near: What I Wish I’d Known Before My Wife Died
I just finished listening to Influencing Death: Reframing Dying for Better Living by hospice nurse Penny Hawkins Smith, RN. I found it to be a fascinating glimpse into the complexities of the human spirit at a time when the superficial successes and failures of life suddenly become meaningless.
It also took me back ten years to Kris’s final days.
In the stories she shares about her many patients, Nurse Penny addresses some of the common signs of death and dying, something I didn’t understand and didn’t know enough to ask about.
I wish I’d known. I would have acted sooner to bring Kris home so she could die where she wanted, and I would have made earlier arrangements for all my family to be there. Unfortunately, she died in the hospital and two of my kids were on their way from the airport to the hospital when she took her last breath. They missed that moment by ten minutes.
If you ever find yourself in a similar situation, the following are common signs that a person may be entering the final days of life:
Increased sleeping and unresponsiveness. Many people sleep more and become increasingly difficult to arouse as the body conserves energy.
Discoloration and cooler-to-the-touch skin. As circulation slows, the body redirects more blood to the vital organs, leaving the hands, feet, and limbs cooler and sometimes pale, bluish, grey, or blotchy.
Breathing patterns change. This may look different from one person to the next, but for most there is an obvious change. One of the most common changes is known as “the death rattle.” This happens when saliva or mucus starts to pool at the back of the throat because the individual is too weak to clear it. Though the person is unaware of it, it can be alarming for family members to hear.
Kris fell into more of a labored breathing pattern with deep breaths and fluttering lips when she exhaled. It was like this for about 12 hours right up until the end. At the time I thought it was odd. I had no idea it was a sign that her body was shutting down.
Speaking incoherently and/or using odd hand gestures. Many people speak as though they are reliving the past or talking about things others can’t see or understand. The day or two before she died, Kris tried to tell me about some random numbers and was using hand gestures to suggest that they were right in front of her. I assumed that the medication was causing confusion.
Being in a state of agitation. The night before she died, I slept at home. When I came into the hospital the next morning, the nurse reported that Kris was anxious and wouldn’t stay in bed. It got so bad that the nurse spent nearly the entire night with her. I wish I had stayed at the hospital that night. I don’t know if my presence would have made a difference, but I feel like I let her down by leaving her alone.
An end-of-life surge. Kris had been in the hospital for over a week getting treated and tested for a variety of issues related to her cancer. For much of that time she slept. Two nights before her death, she had suddenly become more alert to the point that she sounded and acted mostly like herself. Instead of being a sign to take her home, we decided she was strong enough to stay in the hospital for further testing and treatments. Had I only known…
Not eating or drinking. As the body starts to shut down, the need for food and drink diminishes. It can be concerning to family members, but forcing food or fluids can sometimes cause discomfort, nausea, choking, or aspiration as the digestive system slows down.
Visions. Many close to death speak of deceased family members being in the room with them.
Withdrawal or reduced social interaction. Whether due to exhaustion or an inward recognition that death is coming, some people gradually withdraw from interacting with others.
Looking back, there were many signs that Kris was nearing the end of her life. I wish I could have those last 48–72 hours back so I could have brought her home and made sure all my family was there
Hopefully, my experience will help you or your loved ones when facing a similar situation.
Best regards,
Corey
