What He Didn’t Say Before Dying is Breaking our Hearts: Talking about dating and remarriage before one of you dies
The following comment was posted in our support group by a widow who is under the age of 50 with kids at home:
“I‘m here crying in frustration, and I just finished a prayer to The Lord, and told him how angry I am at my husband for not letting me know if he would be ok if I should remarry. I remember having that conversation with him, and I told him if anything happened to me, that he should remarry, but he never said anything about me doing the same. I am crying because I feel so lonely, I hate this, I hate that I miss and want a companion so bad, but it’s not in the cards.”
So sad, right? You can almost feel the frustration, loneliness, and anxiety that she’ll be burdened with for many years as she struggles to reconcile her longing for companionship with her dedication to her late husband.
The Would-You-Want-the-Other-to-Remarry-when-One-of-Us-Dies Question
Of all the conversations to have with your spouse as you prepare your end-of-life plans and wishes, talking about whether you would want your spouse or partner to date and/or remarry after you die may be the trickiest. What if you don’t agree or don’t like the other’s answer? Plus, several factors that may change over time might influence how you feel about the idea, including your age, children, religious beliefs, financial status, and family experiences with death. And what if what you want for yourself should your spouse die first, isn’t necessarily what you want for your spouse if you die first? That would be awkward, too.
Given the difficulty of having the dating and remarriage talk, what should you do?
Consider that there are four possible outcomes to the conversation:
You both agree that you don’t want the other to remarry
One of you is okay with the idea while the other is not
You both agree that it’s okay if the other remarries
One or both of you refuse to talk about it
In our opinion, number three is the best ending to that conversation because it leaves the door open for the surviving spouse to do what is right for them when they’re in that space. There is no pressure of potentially going against the deceased’s wishes if you both supported the idea before one of you dies. You could argue that number four does the same, but as noted in the widow’s post above, the surviving spouse will always wonder, “Will they be mad? Will they feel betrayed?”
For the record, Katie and Dave never discussed the idea. Kris and I did twenty-five years ago. While we both felt it was okay to remarry, we didn’t give it a lot of thought as we both felt we’d have many more decades before either of us would have to worry about it.
Once in the widowhood world, however, Katie and I discovered what a complicated issue dating and remarriage can be. Attitudes about it among the widowed (and their close family and friends) are all over the place. The San Diego Widowhood Project followed 350 widows and widowers and documented their marital and romance status, as well as their attitudes about romance, at various times during the first two years after their spouses died. The study indicated that gender, age, level of education, and income levels were predictors in how the widowed viewed romance, dating, and remarriage.
If the widow or widower does start to consider remarriage, then that’s where the first and second outcomes of “the talk” that are noted above become a problem. In number one, it may seem like a positive result when you have the discussion because you both agree. However, it’s impossible to know how the survivor will deal with their emotions and what their needs will be when the other is gone. To request loyalty and faithfulness for the rest of the others’ life puts a lot of pressure on the one left behind to ignore any urges that may come for companionship. It can create resentment, guilt, and even depression if one is forced to live a certain way to accommodate the wishes of their deceased partner, as noted by our widow friend in her post.
So what should you do? Do you have the conversation and risk having the first or second outcome, or in the case of the widow above, no response at all?
As widows trying to get future widows prepared for the mental, emotional, spiritual possibilities of said widowhood, we HIGHLY recommend it. The earlier the better, especially if it’s at a time when both are healthy. Emotions are so enhanced and distorted when there’s a diagnosis involved making it more difficult to process and make sound decisions about it.
If we hesitate to address the topic with our partner for whatever reason, what is it we don’t want to know? What is it we don’t want to say? If I say I want you to get remarried, does that mean I’m indifferent about our relationship? If you say you don’t want me to remarry, does that mean you’re a narcissist that wants to control me from the grave? Are those extreme conclusions? Maybe, but it’s problematic to assume or project your silent fears either way. Talking about them will alleviate a lot of those problems.
On your next night out, after the small talk about your day, your work, your kids. Ask your partner outright.
You: “Soo, serious question. Since one of us will probably pass away before the other, I’d love to know your thoughts about what you’d want for me if you were to go first. I’m also interested in what you’d want for yourself if I die first.”
Partner: “Uhhh, what? What brought this on?” Are you sick?” Should I be worried?”
You: “Not at all! I follow this amazing business called Prepare Your Affairs and it was recommended, so I’m interested. Also, I’d really love to talk about something other than your distain for your boss right now”.
Then proceed to have a very interesting conversation. Stay objective. Stay open. Ask questions. Don’t promise anything. Will you hear things you don’t want to hear? Maybe. Is that a bad thing? Will you say things your partner may not like? Maybe. It’s okay. You will learn valuable information regardless. Often, the tricky topics, when talked about with true curiosity, honesty and maturity, can be the most loving and bonding experiences a partnership can have. Don’t miss the opportunity.
Best regards,
Corey
ACTION PLAN
1. Plan a date night that is conducive to conversation. Talk to each other about what you’d want for the other if you should go die first. Stay objective. Stay open. Ask questions. And don’t promise anything.
