Mental, Emotional, & Spiritual Preparation for Your People
One of the ways we simplify the end-of-life preparations process is to break it down into four pillars of preparation (financial, legal, mental/emotional/spiritual, and practical) for three target beneficiaries: your people, your person, and your possessions.
This week our tip focuses on what may be the hardest element of end-of-life planning, the mental/emotional/spiritual preparation of your people.
For simplicity’s sake, we’re going to address the topic from a couple’s standpoint, though we recognize that not everyone is in that situation. Feel free to adjust or modify your planning in a way that fits your circumstances and those you support best.
It’s also important that you consider the information from two perspectives:
What can I say to my spouse that might bring comfort and hope after I die?
What can my spouse share with me that might bring me peace of mind when he/she dies?
Your children are part of “your people”, too. For tips about helping them prepare for your death, see our blog post from August 28, 2022 -- “Talking to Kids about Death”
Grief
No matter how much time and energy you put into getting your end-of-life affairs in order, you won’t be able to eliminate grief. It’s part of our human experience. The inevitability of grief is what elevates true love for another to the pinnacle of mental, emotional, and spiritual joy. A strong relationship forged in the fire of “for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health” will end in this life in either a devastating death or a bitter breakup, both of which will take you from the pinnacle to the pits. Knowing that your partner is willing to love you despite this ultimate outcome makes you love even harder.
So, while preparation won’t eliminate grief, our experience suggests that preparation can help you or your partner face it head on, understand it, and manage it in a healthy and meaningful way.
Mental/Emotional/Spiritual Preparation
As strange as it sounds, we go into marriage hoping you make it until one of you dies. And yet, as illogical as it seems, nobody wants to talk about what happens after you reach that goal.
We have found, however, that conversation while you’re both living is precisely what can bring comfort after one is gone. You will hear different perspectives and uncover wishes your partner has for themselves and loved ones. It can lead to the sharing of fears, concerns, and regrets that help you understand each other better and appreciate each other’s unique character.
When Katie’s husband Dave was diagnosed, the cancer had already spread throughout his entire body. The doctors had no choice but to be frank with them. “You have maybe a few months without treatment, to maybe six or eight with treatment,” they were told. Reality struck them head on and it forced them to face what this meant for their family. Still, the elephant found its way into the room and it took courage for one of them to speak up. Once the conversation started, the floodgates opened and there was a sense of relief to be able to speak openly and freely to each other.
They talked. They planned. They laughed. They cried.
Katie described it as a humbling, but happy and hopeful time. Those conversations gave her some direction and power to endure the agony of his passing.
While they had a few months of knowing that the end was coming, not every relationship has that luxury. An accident, heart attack, or pandemic can take a life in an instant. As a result, we encourage discussions now. Talk about what if and just-in-case scenarios. Below is a list of questions and exercises that may get the ball rolling.
Describe your spiritual beliefs. What role does death play and how do you view your own mortality?
Share your beliefs about an afterlife. What do you think happens to people after they die and how does that impact your feelings about death?
Describe what you think your spouse’s feelings are about death. If your spouse knew he/she would die today, how would they feel about the life they lived and what would they think about dying?
Talk to your spouse about what he/she would want for you if they were to die tomorrow. How do they want you to live the rest of your life and what encouraging words do they have for you?
Consider the last time you and your spouse had to be apart for a week or longer. Share how you felt during that separation. What caused you the most anxiety and what mechanisms did you employ to cope with being apart?
If you haven’t been apart for more than a week in several years, make a plan to do so. Alternate who stays home to take care of the home and kids while the other is away. Record how you got along and what you could do differently to make it a better experience for yourself.
Consider your family and friend network today. Who would you want to be in your support group if your spouse passed away and why? What counselors or spiritual advisors would you feel comfortable confiding in about your grief? Talk to them in advance about potentially needing more support in your life. Record how they respond to your request.
