Is Preparing Emotionally and Mentally Possible?
No matter how prepared a family may be for the death of a loved one, grief will come and it will manifest itself in different ways for different people. It’s hard to predict how one will grieve because so much of it will depend on your relationship to the deceased, the circumstances of their death, and even your own life situation at the moment your loved one dies. So that begs the question, how can a person prepare emotionally and mentally for the death of another?
What is Grief?
Kent Allen, MS, LMFT who specializes in helping people through their grief, defines grief as the process we go through that helps us let go of old hopes and dreams to facilitate new hopes and dreams. While our hopes and dreams may involve money, possessions, experiences, relationships, careers, etc, they are born out of our mental, emotional, and spiritual state of mind. And when we experience the death of a loved one, our mental, emotional, and spiritual well-being is severely fractured. After years of sharing a life with the same person with whom you laughed, cried, suffered, and rejoiced in life, and perhaps even created life together, to lose their presence and know they won’t be back is devastating. Allen defines this loss as losing hopes and dreams that are core to your existence. Even the strongest mentally will be shaken emotionally when part of your core is taken from you.
How to Prepare?
Preparing emotionally and mentally for the death of any loved one is a challenge. It’s difficult to learn from others who have been through grief before because everyone grieves differently. What was hard for them may not be a challenge for you. In addition, a big part of the mourning process for you may be helping others deal with their own grief, especially if it’s your own children. How they react and respond to grief will play a major role in your own mental and emotional state of mind as you grieve. And if you have more than one child, you’ll find that they grieve differently from each other and from you.
Another part of the challenge with preparing emotionally and mentally for death is that it’s a taboo topic. Many can’t bear the thought of living without a loved one, let alone have a conversation about it. In addition, there are some who feel that discussing its reality will somehow make it happen sooner.
Talking about it, however, is precisely what can help you prepare for it, especially when the conversations happen well before anyone becomes ill or is in an accident. You will hear different perspectives from others and uncover their wishes for themselves and loved ones. It also allows you and others to share fears, concerns, and regrets.
Like anything else, the more we talk about something, the easier it is. Ralph Waldo Emerson once said, “That which we persist in doing becomes easier to do, not that the nature of the thing has changed but that our power to do has increased.” In my experience, this principle applies to our conversations about death. Learning about death and how our loved ones feel about it can make it less fearful, easier to accept, provides time to resolve any concerns, and offers a chance to right any wrongs.
Kris and I didn’t talk much about death before she was diagnosed, and I was afraid to talk about it after because I felt it would have demonstrated a lack of faith that she could be the one percent to beat pancreatic cancer. Fortunately, we had a terrific palliative care team that would visit her occasionally during her treatments and they asked some of those hard questions. When asked how she felt about dying, she said, “I’m at peace with it because I know what I believe.” That one single statement has probably done more to allow me to move forward in life more than anything else. Knowing she was not afraid has given me strength to carry on.
Below are a list of questions and exercises to help spark conversations about death, the process, the impact, and how you might move forward once it hits your family.
Describe your spiritual beliefs. What role does death play and how do you view your own mortality?
Share your beliefs about an afterlife. What do you think happens to people after they die and how does that impact your feelings about death?
Describe what you think your spouse’s feelings are about death. If your spouse knew he/she would die today, how would they feel about the life they lived and what would they think about dying?
Talk to your spouse about what he/she would want for you if they were to die tomorrow. How do they want you to live the rest of your life and what encouraging words do they have for you?
Consider the last time you and your spouse had to be apart for a week or longer. Share how you felt during that separation. What caused you the most anxiety and what mechanisms did you employ to cope with being apart?
If you haven’t been apart for more than a week in several years, make a plan to do so. Alternate who stays home to take care of the home and kids while the other is away. Record how you got along and what you could do differently to make it a better experience for yourself.
Consider your family and friend network today. Who would you want to be in your support group if your spouse passed away and why? What counselors or spiritual advisors would you feel comfortable confiding in about your grief? Talk to them in advance about potentially needing more support in your life. Record how they respond to your request.
What has been your experience using professional counseling services? How did you feel about sharing and being vulnerable? Were you completely honest and open? Did you feel like the counseling worked? Share your feelings about those experiences here. What could have been different about your experience that would have made it better?
